The Difference Between a CHINESE and a WESTERN Bathroom Attendant.

So I was at ze discothèque with my pals Scott and Shannon when the wonderful diuretic qualities of beer beckoned me to the cesuo (bathroom). On my way up Shannon was returning and looked at me with a big teasing grin and said, “have fun” as he gave me a pat on the back and continued in the opposite direction. Not thinking much of it, I continued on my merry way. So I’m doing my thing and near the sink I see a bathroom attendant. I really dislike bathroom attendants in America because I just think it’s a strange and outdated concept. A terrible job for a man that got stuck doing nothing else. I feel sorry for the guy and I don’t like feeling obligated to give him money. So, I’m in the bathroom and I get the “hello” for Mr. Attendant. Now It must be noted that in china you sometimes have to be conservative with your full faced smile hello’s because sometimes it does NOT just mean hello. It means, “sure come over and talk with me as I hold my penis.” Being that I had had a few drinks, was feeling jolly, and shaking off anyway I gave my “well hello there” ala Ace Venture’s Jim Carey. At the sink, before I could protest, he placed a hot towel over my neck and began to massage me! I tried to politely object but four seconds into it I realized that, “man, this feels really good.” I felt a bit silly but I could not argue with the fact that I had been stressed out lately and he was eagerly kneading the knots out of my back. So this went on for 1..2..3..4 minutes down my back, up my neck and with the hot towel, I was in toilet heaven. I could not help giggling to myself as this went on thinking of Shannon’s smiling face as I unknowingly approached what he had just undoubtedly experienced or tried to run away from. In the end I uttered my 10,000 xiexie’s (thank you’s) slapped down 10 yuan (10/7.8 = $1.28 what seemed to be the standard from viewing the tip jar) and laughed out loud as I went back to our table to see Scott and Shannon trying to hold back their tears from laughing so hard.
I thought this was a specialty of just that bar…but oh no. As we continued our pub crawl an hour or so later I again was going to the bathroom of another establishment when on the way Scott was exiting smiling and said, “Have fun!” Obviously this was just a joke, I thought, and lightening like that would surely not strike twice in the same night. Sooooooo I’m in the bathroom holdin’ me dick, half way into my stream, and all the sudden out of the shadows I feel a hot towel on the back of my neck and I hear a hello. “Hel-looooooooooooooo,” was my response because immediately after placing the hot towel he takes my chin in one hand, crown of my scull in the other, and twits chiropractic style as my neck pops in 57 separate places! HOLY CRAP THAT FELT GOOD! Then he starts working my neck, and shoulders and all the way down my spine. A full two minutes pass when I realized that I was still holding my pee-pee. I zip up and make my way to the sink as he follows me. Now working my lower back. “Man this guy is a pro!“ I thought to myself. I throw down my 10 yuan, utter a xie xie (thank you) and he says, “Deng yixia.”(hold on a moment). Places my arms around my chest, picks me up, and pops my back in 116 places. “Holy shit”! I think as I reach into my wallet and put down another 5 yuan.
“Where have you been? Couldn’t escape?” were Shannon and Scott’s greeting. “Men, laugh all you like. That felt awesome and I cant wait till I have to go pee again!